Do you ever feel angry? Do you ever question God? I’m sure we have all been in and through situations that are just awful. It may be because of something you did. It may be because of something another did. You may not even know! Things are going so well and all of a sudden a huge bump comes in the road and everything flys apart. What’s going on, God? Who’s to blame? Am I the one who’s confused? Perhaps my anger and sadness is unjustified? What’s the deal? I can’t answer those questions sadly. I can’t even answer them for myself. Tonight has become very odd for me and I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want excuses. I want answers. I want words. Give me something to work with because you’re killing me. Don’t bring me in and then shut me out. That’s not right. I want the same love I give you in return.
Lord, help me. Maybe someone else is reading through as I rant. Help them in their similar situations. My heart is sunk right now and I need guidance. I’m bitter. I’m lost and clueless. Help me. Help me. Help me.
Posted by lockofsparrows on October 14, 2013
Accountability is great. Having someone, or many someones, who stand behind you and make sure you get a job done makes me feel great. I’ve put some programs on my computer to hold me accountable for my actions online. It’s another part of my life I’ve let go of for so long that I need to get on track.
I have two great programs on my computer and I’ll most likely be putting more. I need to be held accountable because of my human nature. Because of the simple fact that I’m evil and have those tendencies. Everyone does, but I don’t want them to control me.
I recommend these programs to anyone who wants and needs to get a grip on their internet usage. The first is X3 Watch from xxxchurch.com and is a great accountability tool. I only have the free version, but even then it’s very nice. I put the emails of friends and family I have made my accountability partners and once a week it sends them an email of questionable sites I’ve been to. It opens up the doors for better communication and for them to chew me out good if I’ve done wrong. I need that. We all need that.
The second program is K9 Web Protection. I think this goes great with X3 Watch. X3 Watch monitors your usage, but K9 actually filters it. My brother has the password for it in case it makes a mistake, but it is fantastic because it actually blocks entire websites and pages altogether. I don’t trust myself. I know I’m going to be tempted and give in to looking up porn. That’s a big terrible thing that’s run in my life for too long. X3 monitors and alerts and K9 stops entirely. I’m praying this goes well for me and if you consider doing these programs that it goes well for you. Keep me in your prayers. I have a lot going on.
Posted by lockofsparrows on September 30, 2013
My attempts at showing love can often be odd and even more often, very silly. I’m a natural born artist, eh? Although I don’t know if digital art counts. I’m not the best.
Posted by lockofsparrows on September 28, 2013
When I love, I love completely. Everything I am goes into loving someone. When I hurt, I hurt completely. Everything I am falls apart. I generally hurt because of the ones I love. I give and give and give and I don’t receive anything in return. Obviously one does not love simply to be given anything, but when you’re absolutely drained of everything, it’s needed. I don’t understand why they don’t understand. I give it my all, why can’t you as well?
Complicated ideas and concepts can come easily to me. I can’t tell you how many times my father and I will be sitting down and watching a cartoon when I start to analyze every little detail and go into these large philosophical theories. Tom and Jerry has had many a day in which the laws of the universe and the simplicity of divine command fall into it. But then others have a hard time even grasping simple idea, such as a cartoon or related items. Just the other day I was going into this deep theological speech about the Gozer religion and demonology in Ghostbusters while my brother is still trying to hold on to the concept of giant marshmallows. It’s things of such nature that are irritating to me. When I try explaining though, whoever I’m talking to tends to become easily bored with me.
I’m not fascinating enough.
Posted by lockofsparrows on September 28, 2013
I desperately wish I could share more of this with you. I desperately wish many a thing upon this glorious earth. I believe I make every wish a desperate wish. How odd. It’s in my nature to become so fondly attached to one so beautiful and so kind. If it were to be any other way than this, I should not know how to carry myself about. The circumstances would therein be horrifying and at the very least leave me physically weak, if not ill. Time and time again it arises the thought that I must reflect upon this lifestyle and the gracious humans that have stepped forth within it. However, I find myself at a chasm deep, valley deep, an ocean deep loss of speech. An ocean deep loss of speech. An ocean deep loss of speech. How the waves blast down upon me, so repetitively, endlessly. Such nauseating extremes. This simple thought remains locked within one’s own mind, yet without the proper tools, without humbleness and graciousness, one shall at no time be able to draw forth such possessions from its confines. A sweet sincerity rings about in the air, along with the delightful scent of lilacs. How strange it would seem, how strange it would be for that matter, in the realm of the masculine sex, that their quarters reeks of lilacs. It’s quite lovely, if one is to be truly honest, just rather different in profound comparison.
She is radiant and shines beyond the luminescence of the precariously placed heavens with a brilliance and intelligence exceeding that of philosophers from before ancient times.
Posted by lockofsparrows on September 22, 2013