I am generally a good person. I am generally a nice person. I am generally a well liked, optimistic person. I’ll tell you one thing, though – I am very arrogant. I do not mean to be, I just come across as arrogant. I think too highly of myself. I boast of my abilities and make my expectations too high. The curious thing is that I hide it very well. The only ones that even may notice would be my parents; although they notice everything about me. They tend to use it against me as well. My arrogance has become a hot topic lately. My mother claims that one day I’ll learn I’m not all that. I refuse to listen most of the time. They throw empty advice at me constantly. Mom says that I will one day stop [insert action here] and never be that way again. It doesn’t matter what it is. Arrogance, selfishness, power… She will always say I’ll drop a certain trait eventually. The frustrating thing is that she turns out to be true. My main thing in wanting to defy my parents a lot of the times is that I don’t want them to be true. I want to become my own person and not be influenced by them; it is next to impossible given what they’ve already done.
So this is extremely difficult for me, this arrogance. I want to drop it and become a more humble of a man, but my inner psyche resists because of the actions of my mum and dad. I don’t want to be the person they want me to be. Sure, I like some of the characteristics of that person, but, ultimately, I want to be my own everything.
“I wake up every evening with a big smile on my face, and it never feels out of place”
No matter what people try to turn me into, I attempt to make the final decision. I think the thing that makes my parents so influential is that I’m with them more than any other contributing benefactor. If I went off to live on my own, like I plan to eventually, their influences will be minimal – few and far in between. I know at the end of the day I will continue to be optimistic and have that big smile on my face. Really, when I smile, it’s for good reasons. I don’t smile to hide anything. I’m an open book for the most part; I show myself everywhere I go. That has taken awhile for me to get to, but I’m glad I’m here. What you see is basically what you get. That smile indicates positivity, not attempts at cloaking the bad in me. If I’m upset, I can’t help but let it out, no matter where I am or what the circumstances. Nothing ever feels out of place with me. Again, what you see is what you get. I am a happy guy. I am a loving guy. I am a clingy guy. I am a single guy.
Single… That’s a word I can’t get out of my head this week. I reminisce of my being without a mate. I really believe that I have a bipolar disorder. I show the symptoms of it. My father works with nurses who know what it really is. (I trust him, because I haven’t seen it in anyone and I don’t trust medical sites.) It isn’t like how it is on TV, where the person who is ‘bipolar’ changes emotions in an instant. No, it’s more like staying overly exuberant for long periods (like weeks, or months) of time and then becoming vastly angry and then getting into deep depressions. (The actual emotions are supposed to vary between subjects.) For me, I feel my emotion changes get triggered by girls. The last two or three months I have been happy and carefree and enjoying being a single guy. This week I’ve changed a little bit. I couldn’t help but find myself crying on my drives through town. I found myself screaming along to songs that described my mood on the radio. I have become more of a wreck than I would like. I try to control it, mostly, but it does whatever it wants. Robinson, Polyester Blend, and the most recent love this year, Lightning, have made me into a lot of who I am. Lightning breaks my heart when I find her skipping through my mind. I saw a future with her…
The girl, who I’ve named Fairy Tale, for obvious reasons, keeps crossing my mind. I don’t get to see her, I don’t get to talk to her, I don’t get to know her, but I want to. I’ve never understood the dating game; people just dating and then moving on from it. I want to have something that is real, that is true, and that lasts. I want to be with Fairy Tale. I want to know her dreams, and her goals. I now find myself wanting to know her favorite animals, her favorite colors, her dreams, and various randomness. I want to understand her. I’ve never felt this way about any girl before. I’m sure that is what every guy says about every ‘new’ girl he runs into, but this is serious. I don’t know anything about Fairy Tale. I know NOTHING about her. She truly is a fairy tale, one that can only be dreamt of. If she is my fairy tale, I’d like to see the happily ever after come true. I’m a lovesick puppy. That’s what a friend of mine told me today. She said that I am wonderful and kind and any girl deserves me, and that I’m a lovesick puppy. I love love; it really comes down to that. I’m happy though, is the funny thing. While others pursue things passionately and without fail, I sit back and enjoy the times and let life come through me. Yes I would like to see Fairy Tale more than I have, but I don’t know how or if I ever will.
I live in this fairy tale. It is me. It is who I am. I cannot understand it. I cannot change it. I do not know how to be the fantastic and loverly gentleman that gets all of the princesses. I want to be loved. I want to love. It is easy for me, to love. I let myself absorb the moments and breathe it in. Will I find this love? This Fairy Tale? It is uncertain. I trust in the Creator and I:Let:It:Be: