God show me new joys. God shows me new trials. God shows me new ways of overcoming evil. Daily God draws closer to me as I draw closer to him. Nights like these, however, I’m having a difficult time. I’m alone. Just me, a laptop, and an empty room. The dogs are here but the sounds of their teeth gnashing on rawhide and bones isn’t much of a comfort. It’s not really distressing either, it’s just there. I haven’t the faintest idea where to go next. I’m bored, is simply all. I’m bored and alone.
There was a dance tonight, but I didn’t go. I don’t know why. I just didn’t. She’s there. Probably enjoying herself. Obviously. With young boys whom I don’t trust at all. It’s not that they’re bad, I just don’t trust them. I trust her, with all my heart, no matter what, but nothing anyone says will make me trust most of those little boys that hang around her. It’s irritating. I just want to go through my day and not worry that something is going to happen to her or if someone is going to hurt her. Especially those little things that hang around her. Am I jealous? In a sense, one could say yes. She is close to them and she doesn’t understand why I don’t like that.
And me, what do I do? I devote myself to her. Even some of the girls I may be around throughout the day I tend to distance myself from. Loyalty and respect. I don’t want even a inkling to be slipped somewhere within her pretty little mind that would make her think even the slightest that I want someone else. I don’t want anyone else. Just her. She’s my girlfriend. I’m utterly and entirely and joyfully devoted to her.
I’ve spoken with her about God. On a sidenote, thank you for your prayers. She has come to accept Jesus as her Saviour and I am so overjoyed. But I spoke with her about God, and our relationship. I told her that God will ALWAYS comes first in this relationship. I beamed from ear to ear when she said she loves Jesus more than she loves me. I got weak in the knees. No girl has ever said that before. No girl has actually done it. She means it truthfully and she lives it out day to day. I don’t deserve her. I really don’t. She is a Godsend. I didn’t even see her coming.
I told God I was going to put him first in my life and work on serving him daily. I can say for sure with 100% honesty that I didn’t care about girls. I was putting God first in my life. Funny enough, they flocked to me. I respected them. Treated them right. I got my life back on track after I screwed up. I let go of youthful lusts. It happened when I broke a girl’s heart. I had become too big, too messy. That’s when I chose to put God first. And I still do. My life has changed for the better and it continues to do so. This girl came into my life when I wasn’t even looking. She took over everything, but in a good way. I longed after God and prayed for two weeks. I felt different when I was with her and I liked it. It felt good. I took her some place special and I asked her to be my girlfriend. She came out of nowhere and made everything better somehow. I feel good when I’m with her. I feel happy. Loved.
God helped me get to that. I was nothing without him and I still am. Once I chose to fully give everything I am to God, he started placing things in my life that I needed. God blessed me in ways I can never return. I just praise him and give him my all daily in minuscule efforts to give him back what he’s done for me. I know I can never truly repay God for all the things he has done for me, but I give him my all and hold nothing back.
Even when it is hard, I give it all to him. My pains, my worries, my sufferings. Even now I’m having to let go of my worry about those silly little boys that hang around my girlfriend. They are nothing. I trust her. I trust God even more. And though it hurts to admit it, she does know how to take care of herself. She doesn’t actually need me…
I don’t deserve her at all. In any way. In the same way I wish I could give to God all he has given to me, I want to do the same for her. I’ve done nothing to deserve her, but God placed her in my life. I don’t know how long we’ll be together or what God has planned for us, but right now I am glad that God has us together and that we’re doing well. It’s a relief. I’m glad I trust her. I’m glad I love her. I’m glad.