Leaving This House

I think I take more time to make a tweet than to type up a blog post. It’s much simpler, am I right? You have to put much more thought into making up a few paragraphs than to make a short meaningful sentence with unnecessary hashtags. 

I like to confront people in person. I’ve tried with all that I am to not rant about specific people online in any way. It’s cowardice, I feel, to do that instead of going to them and telling them you have a problem. I am a young and new adult, but I’m not stupid. I know how to take care of myself and I don’t need people to be telling me all day long how they think I need to live my life. I haven’t even graduated yet and my parents already want me to be living on my own. Whether that is at a college, which none have accepted me, or an apartment, which I don’t have the money for yet. It’s depressing sometimes. Honestly, I could reveal all their deepest flaws and mistakes, but I don’t need to. First, I confront them in person. Sure nothing changes, but at least I do it. You shouldn’t ever be afraid to stand up for yourself and do what is right. Second, they do it for me to everyone who will listen. My job becomes exceedingly simple: Make it through until graduation and move out.

Isn’t that simple? I feel it is. The months have felt more like years instead. Nothing can satiate them. I want to get this out as nicely as I can because I need to. I have to get out. Does every kid go through this nearing graduation? I may just be among the millions who have done this for years. Am I alone in my craziness? I really do feel crazy. I want to go out and make my own way and make my own name and be my own. It can’t be done while I still reside underneath their roof. Do I hate them? No. I hate that they still treat me like a child. My brother, the one I’ve argued the most with since his conception, has been the greatest kid. We talk and watch tv and enjoy being around each other and it’s been great. I haven’t become angry at him for quite a long while.

He’s a great kid and I’m sorry I wasn’t so great to him all these years. I was too hard on him. He’s not that much younger than me, but I’ve always expected so much from him. I blame my parents because that’s how they’ve always been to me and the trait passed on to me. I really don’t have an excuse though. I’ve been a real jerk to my brother. MY BROTHER. I want to drive around and do odd things with him like I do with my other friends now. I am a little afraid to lose him, actually. I absolutely need to leave this house, but I still want to spend time with my brother. He’s a good kid and I want him to have a place where he belongs. It’s amazing to see the growth in him over the years; most of it within the last month. My brother is a strong and growing kid, I only pray for guidance to help him as I can.

I’m not the best at this writing thing, but it does allow me a creative release. Friends, I may have the opportunity to pastor a church in the next year. If God allows, I’ll be out on my own and helping people grow closer to God. That’s all I really want, is to share the gospel. I’ve been awful and messed up more times than I can say, but he’s redeemed me. I can’t take back the hurt I’ve cause people, but I’ve found solace in his name and love. I want to help people not make my mistakes and live for him. I was a hypocrite. I lived for myself and my desires, which often were sexual. God lift me up and shook me out and made me whole. I’m living and serving him with my life now. I have no excuse now. Past is past, but the present is now. I will make the best of this moment and seize this day. Friends, if you have a moment, please pray for me. First, I ask that you would pray for my brother as he is trying to find a place where he belongs spiritually; a new youth group. He found a place this weekend where he fit in and the leaders were so good to him. He said it was the first time in his life he felt he fit in. I want him to find God joyfully like that and my prayer is that he find this place to belong, a home. Second, please pray for me and the opportunity to pastor a church. Pray God shows me what I need to do and if this is what I should do right now. Thank you for your kindness, dear friends.

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